The weather forecast for today is hot enough to melt your cheeks off your ass, and humid enough to clump them back together with some sweat and a 70% chance of apathy for how sticky your back gets after the sweat dries from the A.C. in your used 2006 electric blue subaru hatchback, the one with the leather seats that always makes your thighs chafe when you wear shorts in the summer. There’s an 80% chance of the tires melting onto the road, cementing you onto i-95, leaving you dizzy and dehydrated. Be on the lookout for light thunderstorms and a Triple A guy that may or may not be coming even though you called twice, he’ll scrape you off the pavement if he ever gets here. It’s been over an hour now so just lay down and liquify like the ice cream you forgot to put back in the fridge that is now dripping off the counter and pooling onto chipped travertine tile with a trail of ants and regret not far behind. Something cold and raw like an orange creamsicle would really hit the spot right now, but you hate artificial orange with a passion and Dairy Queen is closed so just sit in your car with sweaty palms under palm trees and a 50% chance of getting a heat stroke. Chance of rain 100%.
